Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
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I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Challenge accepted.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.