Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
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Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*