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someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!