@duplicitron: Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.
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@flashember: Meow meow meow [Wife comes home early] MEOW! *cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack* THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
@NicCageMatch: Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
@KimmyMonte: Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
@jenniferfralic: Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today