@duplicitron: Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.
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@MrsGoose69: Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons? 4yr: I need to wee! Me: With balloons?! 4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
@walks_on_legs: What is this special type of waffle called a "Tennis racket" and why does it taste like metal wires?
@RalphSudafed: My gf asked if I liked her more than I like chicken, and all I could say was "well I have known chicken longer..."
@House_Feminist: I took my kids' screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around