I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
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Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit