Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
You Might Also Like
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
this could fix me
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Why is this me 😫
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.