Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
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Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.