@MyPolishFace: hey Liam Neeson is your "particular set of skills" gettin shit stolen from you, like, always ?
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@TheDairylandDon: COP: You're under arrest for owning a non-domesticated animal. ME:(looks at otter)You mean Dave? COP:...and for this weed ME: That's Dave's
@buhsbaby_baby: One time I invited a guy over for dinner but I didn't feel like cooking so I just poured us each a bowl of cereal really romantically.
@mantej: God was truly looking out for me today — I opened a bag of air and found a few Lay’s potato chips inside.
@caperbc75: *nervously adjusts fedora in Starbucks lineup I'll have uh, um, a mediu- I mean vanti, uh, mochacachito? Patrons: HE'S A FRAUD! GET HIM!!!