pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
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*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I’m having an out of money experience.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane