5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
You Might Also Like
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday