Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
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I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now