I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
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“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Never ghost your hitman.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?