“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
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My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
hackers play passwordle
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
knights of the ikea table
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves