11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
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This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.