I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
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Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Good Morning.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.