you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
You Might Also Like
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Me if I was a dog
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!