3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
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The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.