-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
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9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
this is so top tier i cant
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented