Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
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Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
drew a comic about my origin story
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
just got my engagement photos
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
motivation
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.