@bea_ker: Hey man, settle an argument for me?
[handing him a sword] Great, he's just in there
@ChemBtwnUs: My weather forecast is always "room temperature."
@TheMichaelRock: Kanye West compared his relationship with Kim Kardashian to Romeo and Juliet. So we won't have to deal with them too much longer, you guys.
@Breadery: *Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
@RoosterMustache: *pulls away from kissing my girlfriend's twin*
TWIN: she'll never find out about us
ME: thanks dude you're a trustworthy guy
@heidi420x: if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people's phones.