@bea_ker: Hey man, settle an argument for me?
[handing him a sword] Great, he's just in there
@Petote: Is that all?
"I wanna stab you."
"Cut your throat."
"Drink your blood."
"Have your baby."
"Kidding! I'll have a coke."
@TheOnion: To see more unmatched reporting, visit
@robotmouthfarts: EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
@SonOfCha: Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell "SURPRISE YOU'RE ERIC'S GIRLFRIEND"
@The_MartiniGirl: I really was gonna jog at the park today....but I just found an empty park bench so I'll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.