This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
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Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
*puts cutlery down*
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?