If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
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Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
went fishing caught a bass
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.