@handokotjung: How to be happier: 1. Exercise 2. Lift weight 3. When you've become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

@bingowings14: 'I'm really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.' 'Woody?' 'Not quite that excited.'

@david8hughes: Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher? Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can't, there's been an accident.

@StarWarsProblms: Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker General Hux: Why? He won't fight & you don't need training. Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

@kumailn: Just ate a glazed donut flavored protein bar. It tasted like someone describing a donut to me while I shove sawdust into my mouth.