@bea_ker: Hey man, settle an argument for me?
[handing him a sword] Great, he's just in there
@mrtruthandsoul: Wife: We're going to Jessie's BBQ today.
Me: She's the one with the big---
Wife: They're fake!
-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
@DadandBuried: I feel like landlords who don't allow dogs but DO allow children don't know very much about children.
@daemonic3: FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It's been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
@SortaBad: Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I'll die immediately if I don't do this
@peachgrenade: In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an "A" on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.