My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
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[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
me after drinking all the wine:
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…