hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
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Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
#CatsOnTwitter
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.