Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
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If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
#Caturday
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.