Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
You Might Also Like
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
being a writer on Twitter:
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
So inspired right now.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.