“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
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I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
i actually laughed 😩
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Breaking news:
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
cause of death:
autopsy.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .