My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
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Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.