@JuliaEveHays: Hey, Morgan Freeman. Donating $1M to Obama's campaign isn't going to make him get older faster so you can play him in the movie.
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@KellieMounce: Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don't use your girlfriend's urine for testing.
@HomeProbably: My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I'm having fond memories of when he couldn't talk.
@SortaBad: After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java. He hates me.