It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
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Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies