For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
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How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome