Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
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Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.