“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
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me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.