Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
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Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
#Caturday
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!