“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
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No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff