Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
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Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I am a gravy boat captain
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Seems kinda suspicious
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.