Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
You Might Also Like
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I wanna be friends with this person
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?