3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
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5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
they split up moments later
time machine? you mean a clock?
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir