When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
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“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Can’t. Being lazy.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.