Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
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When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.