Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
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[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.