@glittergirlD43: Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
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@onion_an: 1st date: I love the spiderman movies Me: So do I [thinking of something to say to impress her] Me: I used to be a spider
@aveuaskew: "Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It's just air!" Exactly "What?" It's inflation "I hate you"
@babyitsmb: I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.