Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
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my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops