@WilliamAder: Hey, NSA, if you're going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
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@KeetPotato: interviewer: "so what makes you think you'd be good at checking tickets at our cinema?" me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
@beefman138: I'd congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here's a sympathy card and a case of wine.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: I'm keeping a greater distance behind this truck with a vanity plate that reads "IMTEXAN" than I do behind cars with "Baby on board" signs.
@WetzelGeek: I pick up my dog's poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.