Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
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*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
🙂🐾
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat