Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
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Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream