@GrantTanaka: HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I'M DRUNK NOT DEAF
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@Sickayduh: "Well, congrats. You're a homeowner now. Any questions?" "Yeah. Sam put those glasses on eBay, why didn't the Decepticons just bid on em?"
@RoyalThough: My heart says food, food and more food...but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
@david8hughes: [skydiving with my dog] Me: ur ears r inside out My dog: can't hear u my ears r inside out Me: it's the wind My dog: I think it's the wind