HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
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I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.