Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
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Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
getting corrected
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.