HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
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I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”