Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
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friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?