Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
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[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac