Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
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No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”