@jenstatsky: Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I'd like to steal from a bank.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@TheToddWilliams: [blind date] HER: I filled up on nuts ME: I guess you bit off more than you... cashew HER: Gesundheit ME: I think I love you
@pinningnut: "You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches"
@bourgeoisalien: if someone asks you about yourself say "OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story" then just wander off