@jenstatsky: Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I'd like to steal from a bank.
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@WarrenHolstein: If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she'd show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
@nigelgodwin: My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: What's the first step of fire safety? 4-year-old: Stay away from dragons. Me: 4: Me: Well, obviously.