Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
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[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Name another movie that mislead you?
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana