Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
You Might Also Like
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery