I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
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If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Attacked by a mop.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I think this should do it.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.