Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
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If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.